Crime jokes

Jefferey Dahmer asked his husband a question.

His husband said, "What's your question?"

Jefferey Dahmer said, "You want to know what is my favorite type of tree?"

His husband said "Yes?"

Jefferey said, "Morning Wood, now take off your pants!"

What's the difference between Axne and a priest??

One waits till you're 13 to come on your face.

What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorist.

Man in boxers leads policeman on brief chase.

Your website.

When you're playing online with your friend, then you hear a kid scream: "No, Dad, please stop!" Scream ends with a gunshot.

What's the difference between Batman and Robin?

Batman can go to the store without robbin'.

How did they know Princess Diana had dandruff?

They found her Head and Shoulders in the glove compartment.

I went to school and everyone was screaming and looking at me. They weren't after I shot them, though.

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

How are babies and the elderly similar?

They are both fun to throw out of moving cars.

If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.

What do you call Helen Keller after she killed 10 people?

Helen Killer.

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

POV: An Asian kidnapper kidnapped an Asian kid, and the kidnapper called the kid's mom. Then the mom said, "No, it's fine, my kid got a B, he failed." And the kidnapper let him go saying he doesn't need a failure.

What's the difference between George Floyd and Joe Biden?

They both talk like they're on fent.

How do rappers stay organized?

They keep their rap sheets in order.

I watched an episode of Law & Order Special Victims Unit. It turns out it's about rape. I thought it was going to be about crimes on a short bus or something.

Ms. Katie: I heard about a Vegan baby.

Mom: Here’s your Happy Meal.

Ms. Katie: That’s not vegan, did you trick me?

Kids: Yeah!

Ms. Katie: That’s it, little baby Jimmy, I’m giving you shaking baby syndrome!

Mom: Please don’t hurt my son.

*Ms. Katie shakes Jimmy*

Mom: I’m secretly a cop, and you are arrested.

What do you call a pedophile who's dying? You.