Crime jokes

Jill went up to a bar to play a game of pool. Then Jack came in and asked Jill if she wanted to ride in his new car. She said, "I have to think." Then Jack said, "At least let me buy you a drink." After 5 drinks, he asked again. This time she said yes, so they got in the car and Jack and Jill rode up a hill to Jack's home. Then Jack said, "Close your eyes, I got a surprise!" So Jack lead Jill to his room then said, "Open your eyes!" So Jill opened her eyes, then Jack got them some red wine. Jack got drunk and unzipped his fly and Jack said, "I know you wanna." She said, "No way!" So Jack gave her one more drink, then she passed out. Then Jack ripped all his clothes off. Then he did the same to Jill. Then he did it till 3am.

Kid starts short-coming people in school. Teacher asks, "Why are you doing that?"

He responds, "I wanted to paint the walls red for Christmas!"

If you read this, you fucked your dad and your 4-year-old sister, you sick fuck... At least wait till they are 15.

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

Why did the guitar teacher get arrested?

He fingered A minor (get it, like the chord A minor)?

I found a child on the street homeless, and they were really nice, so I took them home. Then I said, "Who's better, Biden or Trump?" They said they support Trump. They are now dead in my basement and have been for 3 years.

A pirate walks into a tavern with a pirate ship attached to his nutty wuttys. It's driving me nuts!

A troll proceeds to pull out a desert eagle and shoot the pirate in the face. He makes a poggers face and says, "Problem??"

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

How do rappers stay organized?

They keep their rap sheets in order.

POV: An Asian kidnapper kidnapped an Asian kid, and the kidnapper called the kid's mom. Then the mom said, "No, it's fine, my kid got a B, he failed." And the kidnapper let him go saying he doesn't need a failure.

What do you call a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bill Cosby?

Predator.

What do you call Helen Keller after she killed 10 people?

Helen Killer.

If being sexy was a crime, you can call me......... a law-abiding citizen.

How do you help a rape victim on a diet lose 7 pounds?

Kill her afterwards.

Why did the terrorist not get paid, but they loved their job?

They di2s drying plans.

I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔

What did the man say when his girlfriend threw sodium and chloride at him?

That’s assault!

What's the difference between PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with the terrorist.

How do you get away with murder?

Why do orphans love GTA?

Because they are actually wanted!