Crime jokes
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
Two kids told their parents they saw a man late at night entering their house on Christmas night.
The day later, they found out several houses were robbed.
Madeline Mcannot find her.
Man 1: Knock knock.
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: Ice.
Man 2: Ice who?
Man 1: I crushed your head.
We the jury are yet to deliver our final verdict, but we would like to have a guess.
Is it Mrs. Peacock with the candlestick in the library?
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up pants.
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
"Look at these kids stealing ideas, bro. They're going to jail."
Me: I have the body of a 28 year old.
Her: Prove it.
Me: (opens freezer)
"Prince, be honest, do you still love me?"
How many babies does it take to paint the walls red?
Depends how hard you throw them.
How would Stephen Hawking get rid of the police?
Go to the junkyard.
Police: Hey man, look at this! *throws cocaine at fan and it flew back into his face* Me: Are you okay? Police: Looks like I "crack"ed the case.
What's the difference between me calling my girlfriend a pedophile and her calling me one?
Oh wait, I am because she's 10.
Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.
If the shoe doesn't fit, there's no evidence.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
Q: What do hookers and kittens have in common?
A: They both get dumped on deserted back roads.
Me and my friend have a friend that's in a wheelchair, but he is so annoying, so we throw him in a fire. Now we call him "Hot Wheels."