Crime jokes

Today my idiot brother screamed, "Ahhhhh, I'm dead!" But it wasn't really, so I decided to make it a reality until my sister came...

AND HELPED ME! - for once, but then two minutes later my mom showed up. We killed him right in front of her, and she screamed! "Donuts and pizza for you and more if you go to Mrs. Roberts' house and say hi and bye to Daddy!!!!!" And she hands us both a sharp tool, and I say, "What about Tommy??!!! Aren't you MAD!!!!!!!" Then she replied, "Who's THAT!!??? Coz he ain't mine. His name is Tommy, Tommy Roberts."

So then me and my sister visit Mrs. Roberts, and she said, "Oh, this isn't anything important. Go home!" So then my sister and I say hi! and do a countdown. After that my Nike white jumper had turned red! IT WAS A MUCH BETTER COLOUR, MUM SEEMED TO APROVE AS WELL! 😊😊😊 But then the police question us where daddy was, so then Mom said....................... oh he's moved on! So then the police officer was like, "Ahem, ma'm where!" SO THEN I BELLOWED.......................... UP - UR -A##. And we got let off the hook, then we moved oh and we k!lled the cop 2 and oh did i meantion we HAD a maid, and a landlord and a cat but they were all 2 annoying so we got rid of them and now our new backyard is very smellyyy and i dont think there is enoff space to put muummy anymore so now i dont think sissy will fit either🧐 i will ask my neibour nessy she'll obviously say YES or ill........................................

ok like for part two☺☺☺

I don’t like the term "rape," I prefer: "struggle snuggle."

A pedophile brings his eight-year-old daughter to the doctor's office. The doctor asked her if she would like some candy? Her father replies, "Please, no more candy for her. I gave her enough today."

How did the burglar get into my house?

Intruder window.

Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?

Shut up and cut the coke.

They can't say no if they're unconscious.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?

Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.

Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?

I hear they got six months each.

There was a boy named Sammy, and he was deeply in love with a girl named Rayne. But she didn’t notice him or talk to him. But one day, she did, and they end up liking each other and getting married and lived happil- wait no, that’s not right. Sammy snuck in Rayne’s house at night and kidnapped her, locked her in his basement, and turned her into a puppet so she'd be with him forever and ever. The End.

What does an orphan call a kidnapping?

A surprise adoption.

You are walking through the woods when you cross a woman who has been raped and beheaded. What is the first thing you do?

Check your map, you’re obviously going in circles.

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

This isn't a joke but...

GET IN THE VAN, JANICE!

Trump can get banned. The cops can tack him to jail, and Trump go go go go bye bye for good. Trump is meing.

What Football Club does Mason Greenwood play for?

Prison FC

Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?

A. The Purge.

What’s the best part of violently raping a sexy 10-year-old girl? Killing the little bitch afterwards.

The best way to enjoy Port Arthur is to shoot through--a quote by hilarious comedian Isaac Butterfield.

You heard that Michael Jackson autopsy reports showed he died of food poisoning?

It’s because he ate some 8 year old nuts.