Crime jokes
A man shot into a crowd at the train station and didn't hit one person. When the police asked why he missed, someone said, "'Cause he gay."
He couldn't shoot straight.
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
I really wasn't planning on going for a run today, but damn, those cops came out of nowhere!
Why was Liverpool better than Man United? We won 5-0, and you have a sex offender on your team.
A child molester and a priest walk into a bar. He orders a drink.
Roses are red lord give me peace
I never knew what my dad's job was.
One day, at school, I got a scam phone call, later, I got another, and another. I finally had enough and answered the phone, but to make an impact I said "Hello?"
My dad answered...
A man and a child walk into the woods. The child turns to the man and says, "Mister, can we go home? It's getting late, and I'm scared to walk home."
The man turns to the child and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk home alone!"
I tell a man, "Get me a Glock 19." He comes back with a glove. I was about to shout at him, but then I saw a pistol in his pocket, so I left and thanked him.
What was the most famous skeleton detective in the world? Sherlock Bones!
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
The man was absolutely delighted to find that every lamp in his house was stolen.
Ever heard of the band "Nothing but Thieves"?
Yeah, it's called RobberBand.
I dipped my hand in red food dye, so I said, "Looks like I’ve been caught red-handed!"
Why do I carry pepper spray?
Just in case of as-SAULT.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Why did the pedo cross the road?
To get to the pre-school on the other side.
What is a pedophile's favorite planet?
Uranus.
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
It’s too bad G won’t be able to follow in Kobe’s footsteps and rape a hotel employee but not serve one minute in jail.
I might slide up to your block with intelligence. I'm a genius with a glock. There's some relevance. Took his chain, took his rocks. Took his sediments. There's no cap inside my speech. No impediments.
Putting numbers on the board, I use my calculator. Put a opp below the floor, he's a denominator. E = mc2, you didn't notice that? Had the shot, but he's too scared. Why didn't he buss it back?