Crime jokes
Why did the Mexican man push his wife off a cliff?
Tequila.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and the devil?
The devil always has horns... not just around children.
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A small medium at large!
I went to my local shooting range today but was surprised to see that the news reported a school shooting there. I still don't know who snitched...
Why did the pedophile get kicked out of the candy store?
Because he snatched all of the Sour Patch Kids.
I groomed 2 minors today.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.
Why did the gorilla leave the mafia headquarters for good?
What's the best thing about being a pedophile? You can choose the fit profession where you find kids most.
Why did the serial killer cross the road? To get to the victim's house.
Knock, knock. Who's there? The serial killer.
How many babies does it take to paint the walls red?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What is one of the worst but funniest incidents ever: a bullet in a baby in a baggy in a barrel in a bus in a nuclear plant were all of the employee's are molesters?
A little boy decided to burn a house down. The father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "That's arson."
What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?
Outlaws are wanted :)
What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?
White Vans.
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
I broke up with my boyfriend and stole his wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?