Crime jokes

What was a pedophile's hardest thing? Fitting in!

What is harder than steel?

Michael Jackson in a playground.

What do you call a man with no legs?

Hangman.

What do Michael Jackson and ACN have in common? They both go in little kids.

A gay rapist saves a female rape victim, then rapes the rapist.

Rapist: Rape doesn't hurt anybody.

Victim: (Implied response indicating the rapist is wrong)

Mary had a lamb. Her fleece was black as coal. When I tried to touch it that night, next day I went to court.

Will: Let's bring Hannibal a gift today!

Beverly: Yeah, I bet he’d love that!

Will: Yey!

Beverly: What should we bring him?

Will: *holds up a bucket and knife with an insane looking smile* Come in the bucket!

Roses are red, my name is Dan...

TDM, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

POV: Wine Taster in hell.

I was sitting with the best wine ever made on the table in front of me. This silhouette begins to speak, "You have risen to be the most superb Wine Taster on Earth. Then you got run over by a truck hauling freshly made wine to a warehouse. Your crimes are as follows: you left your high school prom date with another man after you got her pregnant, you let your mother believe that the cat ran away after you drowned it in the pool, and you never got married. How do you plead?"

The man looked at the silhouette like it was a purple rabbit.

"Guilty," said the man, "but if you would be so kind would you at least tell me what the wine in front of me tastes and smells like? I will take any punishment you deem fit."

"Very well," said the silhouette, "but you will regret that request."

Out of the shadows comes a boy only looking 19 years old. The boy says, "I will you taster today. I am confident about my sense of taste." The boy takes the first bottle and opens it, pours it into a wine glass, and swirls it around. He then takes a sniff and begins to drink, to the Wine Taster he says, "Mmmm, taste like chicken."

What do you call it when you're trying to find out what someone had for lunch?

An ingestigation.

Why don't molestation victims speak up about their trauma? Because it's a touchy topic.

I hate when people leave their cars running, especially in the summer.

I'm like, "You got Tracy Latimer in there or something?"

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy!

What’s the difference between a pig and Maddie McCann?

Least a pig had an apple in its mouth when it was spit roasted.

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file.

I killed a man in '94.

Why did the kidnapper cross the road?

To get the kids at the playground.

Why did the rapper go to school?

To improve his rap sheet!