Crime jokes

There is a dark alley. Who do you call?

Batman.

Hey, wake up. I just murdered your family, but I live alone.

Then who are these people in your house? They are people in my house? Well, not anymore, dumb bitch. You're welcome, you could have died.

Jasper doesn't like little girls and Bin Laden.

Teacher: How many kids are in this classroom?

Kid: 73 if you count the ones you have hid in the basement.

A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"

The man said, "Okay."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby who?

Never mind, I’ll come back when you’re sleeping.

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

Why should you always wear rubber?

So you don’t leave DNA evidence.

My jokes are so dark that I am surprised that the cops didn't shoot them yet.

What do you call a terrorist swimming?

A bath bomb!

Walter, I don't know, man, seems kinda sus.

Is it sexual harassment if a midget walks by you and tells you that your hair smells nice?

What do you call a terrorist in a bathtub?

Bathbomb.

A panda walks into a restaurant, orders some food, and eats it. Once he was done, he shoots the waiter, then leaves.

Police and detectives arrive at the scene. They ask the waiter, "Who did this to you? What happened?"

The waiter replies, "A panda, eats, shoots, and leaves."

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 was a registered *sex* offender.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.

The bakery I worked at got robbed. They demanded the dough; apparently, it couldn't be baked first.

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

Why did the strawberry cry?

Her mom was in a jam.

A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.

He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."