Crime jokes
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn’t believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Mommy, mommy! Are we drug dealers?
Shut up and cut the coke.
What Football Club does Mason Greenwood play for?
Prison FC
Hello, anybody, I've just shot somebody. I did it on purpose.
Why did the orphan rob the bank?
To buy a house.
Memes
How it be when the new guy takes too long...
Hay Danny, it's me Johnny.
Johnny: Boss says to kill the guy in red. Point the gun at his head.
Danny: Ok, target locked. 3... 2... 1... bang.
Johnny: Danny, hope you did not get the man in red.
Danny: OH MY BRO FOR REALL.
The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day.
He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Don’t worry, he woke up.
In my basement.
If Will Smith had a revolver and said, "Who fucked my wife?" Chris Rock would say, "You don't have enough bullets, mate."
My doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him. The judge gave me 15. Problem solved!
What can you do if you can't bear sharing the same blood as your father who raped you?
Have a blood transfusion.
Your hairline is so back when the police saw it, they had to arrest you.
"Hey, man, do you have any Ben and Jerry's?"
"Yeah, I have two of them, fresh and preserved in the freezer."
"I meant the ice cream, bro..."
Why can't orphans be robbers?
Because they're not wanted.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
Yo mama's so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, "Wait, you forgot the remote!"
What were my final words to Putin before I put a bullet through his head?
Answer: Putin, put out!
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Jeffrey Dahmer was craving Five Guys before it became a restaurant!
When they walk in and you're fucking... everyone at the morgue.