Crime jokes

Inmate 1: Why are you in prison?

Inmate 2: I killed 4 people and robbed someone, what about you?

Inmate 1: I blew up a school bus.

Inmate 2: OMG, you demon! Were they autistic?

Inmate 1: No, they were Fortnite kids.

Inmate 2 (who is Muslim): Halelouia, we have found the messiah!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet.

One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet with her son. Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Yes, it is,” the man replies. “You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks. “No thanks,” the man replies. “I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues. “OK. How much?” the man replies, after considering the position he was in. “Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies. “TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats. “That’s awful expensive,” but because of the position he was in, agreed to the price.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway, and again places her lover in the closet with her little boy. “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off. “Yes, it is,” replies the man. “Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks. “OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. “Fifty dollars,” the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.” “I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy. “How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. “Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” “Don’t you start that crap in here,” the priest says.

Why didn't R. Kelly go to Germany to fuck teens? The legal age there is 14...Like bro hop on a plane and fuck a 14 year old hooker!

I went to the table to eat my egg, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

I think someone must've poached it.

So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.

Are you suicidal? Remember, if you ever feel unwanted, just check to see your warrants.

Once, there was a man that was coming to my house and peeing in my yard. Then the man came back to my house and flopped his penis everywhere and peed at the same time, and it went all over my face.

So the next day, he came back, and I got my BB gun and shot a metal BB into his peepee.

This didn't actually happen.

I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and said, "Hot Wheels!"

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

When the police caught him stealing the batteries, he got immediately charged!

What does Michael Jackson ask little boys before going to bed? Are you sleeping?

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

I woke up one day to find handcuffs on my bed. Turns out, the girl I drugged yesterday escaped.

I said to Google, "How do I kill someone?" Then I got https://www.wired.com/story/dark-web-bitcoin-murder-cottage-grove in the front. Before you click it, it says, "If you want to kill someone, we are the right guys." How the f*** did this get in Google?

Chuck Norris hasn’t decided yet when Jimmy Hoffa can come out.

Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding got together back in the day for a horse racing venture. Tonya says, "I'll handle the handicapping, you go ride the 3-year-olds."

Teachers at a school shooting be like: damn it. That's the third one this week and it's only Monday.

So Little Johnny saw a robbery, so he tried to stop the robber. To the robber's surprise, he was amazed. So Johnny got 20 shots to the head. The End.