Crime jokes

Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.

Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.

When the teacher gives me an F on my exam,

but I have an AK-47 in my backpack.

*Is honestly the best policy.*

Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.

Why are pedophiles good at playing guitar?

Because they are good at fingering A minor.

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...

How do you make an 8 year old girl cry twice?

Wipe your bloody cock off on her favorite teddy bear.

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!

What touches kids and is made out of plastic?

Michael Jackson, hee hee!

If Jesus told you to trust everyone, that must be why there are a lot of kidnappings.

Person: So you know that person's name you say when you make a hoop, well he's dead.

Friend: Yeah, John Wilkes Booth.

Person: How dare you say that he killed Abraham Lincoln?

Friend: Terrible guy but he never missed a shot!

What do Miss Reeves and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both have a touchy feeling for kids.

I raped a disabled child.

I think she's too far gone to repair now.

My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 murdered 37 children and 41 adults during the ages of 31-35 years old.

She was then sentenced to a 35 year sentence (Colombian stuff) and came out 70 years old. She then continued to go on a spree and murder 41 more people, in 2 months. 3 years later, 6 stabbed 7 as they were friends. 6 was not sentenced, but deemed a hero. He never forgets that moment. Her soul not floating above, but screaming from the torture it's receiving.

I play saxophone, and I like to tell everyone I am a registered s/o (short for saxophone operator) in hopes of one day starting a jazz band, but now everyone looks at me weird, and when I go to house parties to perform, everyone hides their children, but little do they know I LOVE children. For some reason, I got multiple restraining orders because I said, “I want to touch the kids so they can one day become musicians themselves... like Michael Jackson.” I have then since moved from my hometown to Florida, where I can meet up with other s/o’s, and surprisingly, they have similar stories to me, but they say they have never even touched a saxophone, but they do like touching kids, which I’m all down for, just me and my buddies showing the new youth their abilities.

Update: i figured out what they meant by s/o is not the same as my s/o :(

I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."