Crime jokes
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and said, "Hot Wheels!"
My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.
I worry about him sometimes.
Crimes in 2018: assault, murder.
Crimes in 2020: coughing in public.
Don't say you want to eat out a five-year-old's pussy, because I have already shoved a glass dildo in her tight ass pussy, UwU.
What do Batman and a Black man have in common?
Answer: They can't go anywhere without Robin.
A) Why don't orphans play Minecraft Online?
Q) Because Technoblade will get their I.P. address and cum to their houses!
What's a rapist's fav position?
Missionary in a dark corner.
I raped a disabled child.
I think she's too far gone to repair now.
I like my women like I like my wine. 16 years old and locked in a basement.
True Story
A CO was receiving inmates as they're being recalled from their assigned jobs to prepare for count. An inmate that had passed the officer returned bleeding through his trousers from his crotch. The inmate had an argument with his lover who had told him that he wasn't enough woman for him. As the inmate was bleeding he was crying out, "He doesn't love me anymore!"
The officer called for medical assistance and went into the assigned cell. He found the severed penis. He fished it out of the toilet and placed it in a plastic bag with ice. He claimed that the medical staff at the hospital could reattach it. He took a ribbing from his fellow officers, because most would've flushed it. I retired and months later saw a fellow officer at the store. As we caught up, I mentioned that the last incident I responded to was 'the severed penis.' The officer tells me that the inmate severed his penis again after it was reattached and flushed it himself.
I groomed 2 minors today.
I would try to stop rapists, but force would be an option for it.
Why did the rape victim stop eating pears?
Because she was told that if you rearrange the letters "PEAR," it spells "rape."
A man is on his deathbed in prison by electric chair.
The man who controls the chair asks for any last words.
The prisoner replies with: “Can you hold my hand?”
What's the good thing about child perverts?
They drive slow in a school zone.