Crime jokes
Stop hating on pedophiles. At least they're good babysitters.
So a lady was walking down the street with two bags, and one of the bags was leaking $100 bills. A cop pulls up and he says, “Ma’am, ma’am, your bag is leaking hundred dollar bills.” Then she says, “Oh, thank you. I wonder how long that’s been going on.” And the cop says, “Before I help you, may I ask why your bag is leaking $100 bills?” And the lady says, “OK, I’ll tell you. So I live next to a stadium, and I have this beautiful rose garden, but these dumb teenagers always try and pee on the rosebushes. So they stick their junk through the fence, and I grab their junk. I said, ‘$100 dollars or it’s coming off.’” The cop says, “Oh, OK, well what’s the other bag for?” And she says, “Well, not all of them want to give me $100.”
What do you call a large lamp that does illicit things to young children?
A Jacko Lantern!
I am armed with an automatic 4-OXD 22. caliber machine gun. HANDS IN THE AIR!
A 14 year old girl finds out she is pregnant. Her: "Crap! My mom is going to kill me!"
The fetus: "lol same here."
I was digging in my backyard and I found gold, and I went to run and tell my mom, but I realized why I was digging in the backyard.
What is the best feeling for an orphan when he plays Grand Theft Auto?
When he is wanted!
Wow, he stole my antidepressant toy. The next day, he was on the ground.
If raping someone is sexual harassment, then is raping a rapist inverted harassment?
What do you call a terrorist on a wheelchair?
C4.
Q: What do the mob and pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
Yo mama so fat, she was pulled over... FOR HAVING 12 POUNDS OF CRACK ON HER!
Rape isn't a joke.
It's a type of way of making friends and to mate with other women.
It's a way of art, and works on anybody!
Like this if you agree.
I was digging a hole in the garden when I found some gold coins.
I was about to run and tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole in the garden...
Ya make 10 paintings, you aren't an artist.
Ya make 20 meals, you aren't a chef.
But when I kill ONE PERSON, I'm a "horrible person" and a "menace to society."
What would Hitler be called if he abused women? Hither!
Q: How do you know when someone is an opposition leader to Putin?
A: When they are falling from their balcony.
So today I heard a friend say she had a stalker. I can confirm I've never seen a stalker following her.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire and said, "Hot Wheels!"
My dad is so good at hiding, even the FBI can't find him.
I worry about him sometimes.