Crime jokes
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are robbing a bank. The police are soon after them, so they hide in a bunch of barrels.
The police arrive and search the area. They come over to the barrel where the brunette is hiding and kicks it. The brunette says, "Woof."
"Oh, it's just a dog," says the police officer, and then kicks the second barrel where the redhead is hidden. The redhead says, "Meow."
"Oh, it's just a cat," says the officer, then kicks the last barrel where the blonde is hidden. The blonde says, "Potato."
Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.
Santa and Bill Cosby's favorite quote: "Don't be dumb, make sure they're numb, and always use a condom!"
If you push someone that's bullying, if you kill someone that's murder, if there is no evidence it's nothing.
What was the guitar teacher arrested for? Stringing a minor.
How do inmates keep in touch?
They have cell phones.
What's black and white and red all over? A penguin that's just been raped.
How many times can 50 fit into 9?
Get in a van and find out.
I dropped my phone the other day when a guy picked up my phone and started to put it in his pocket.
I said, "Hey, that's my phone," and he said, "First of all, my name isn't 'Hey', it's Jay. Second of all, it's an iPhone, not a 'myPhone'. Get it right."
Your dad never needed a van for you.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
Once upon a time, there was a man named Daniel. He was blind and deaf, and he worked at a morgue.
So, one time poor Dan got confused and started having sex with the rotting corpse.
He then came home and thought he was at the morgue, so he started disintegrating his sleeping wife.
Last time I got caught stealing a calendar, I got 12 months.
Me: "I like kids."
Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...
Bank owner: If you want to start a bank account, I need your name.
Guy: Robin
Bank owner: Your last name?
Guy: Debank
Bank owner: Robin Debank?
Guy: Put your hands up and give me all the money!
I bought these trainers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced it with, but I have been trippin' all day.
What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a pedophile?
One is Catholic and the other is a priest.