My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.
Crime Jokes
I just reached 10 million pounds in Euro Truck Simulator, but it's not even close to what Rakhmat Akilov achieved.
I was absolutely fuming when I found out my mate was rifling through my mum's knicker drawer.
No one goes in there without my permission!
My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"
Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!
Why can't orphans get five stars in GTA?
Because they're not wanted.
Why are there adoption centers? Because it's a market for pedophiles.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.
I molested a child today, and it felt quite lovely on my penis! 👍
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
What does a pedophile and a light switch have in common?
They both get turned on by children.
When I was very young...
My classmates played a game called kiss chase. Some were really good at catching the girls and then kissing them.
They are rapists now.
How do you fit 100 rape victims inside a Mini Cooper?
In the ashtray.
They laughed at my crayon drawing.
So I laughed at their chalk outline.
If I were a judge and gave you a sentence, I would sentence you to life for your looks.
Why did Michael Jackson go to the movies? He saw there was minor nudity.
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
Why did the priest buy a clown suit?
Because the old one had blood all over it.
What do you get when you cross a road with a stalker?
Raped.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a gun. Get in the car.
