Crime jokes
What Football Club does Mason Greenwood play for?
Prison FC
Hardest part about being a paedophile?
Fitting in.
Teacher said, "You never do your homework," so I shot her 7 times with a M1 BushDid911 and replied, "It's all in my backpack, can you grade it please?"
Why wasn't the infant's entire body found?
Because the limbs are scattered around 43°17.7355’N, 113°58.4205’W.
I have double standards: burn a body at a crematorium and you're being a respectful friend; do it at home and you're destroying evidence.
I stole one's balls.
What do rapists like to suck?
The life out of their victim.
I was in Afghanistan and I had been captured by the Taliban. I was going to get the death penalty.
Suddenly a man came out of nowhere and offered to take the penalty. It was my idolo Penaldo. He missed the penalty. Now I will die. Shame on u Penaldo!
I was digging in my backyard and found a chest of coins. I wanted to run inside and tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging in the backyard.
Why is it you donate one kidney, you're a hero, but donate four or five and people run and call the police?
A teacher is teaching a class algebra. Timmy, you've worked out it is AK, but what is 59 minus 12? Timmy shakes his head, not knowing. The teacher asks, "How about AK 49 minus 2?" Timmy replies with um... The teacher becomes frustrated and yells, "What comes after AK, Timmy!?" The white kid at the back stands, shouts 47, and pulls the trigger.
Why did the policeman rape the woman? Because he thought rapists wouldn't be attracted to non-virgins.
Was busy robbing a house as quietly as possible and saw a woman catching me in the act, decided to get her in on the act and gave away my location from the noise.
Why is rape, rape? Because she is too busy enjoying the moment to say yes.
Roses are red, violets are blue, don't let your kids next to Prince Andrew.
Did you hear they found a cure for autism? It's called Zyklon B.
Light it up blue 🔵
My life is so meaningless that I committed a crime just to get shot. 0-0
This is not a joke; this is just about death...
At the age of 100, you get a letter from the Queen. At 12, you get a DM from Prince Charles.
I was walking down the streets of Manchester when suddenly I saw Penaldo getting arrested! I heard the officer say, “This time I give you warning, there will be no penalty.”
That’s when Penaldo asked, “No penalty?!” and punched the police officer.
Shame on you Penaldo!
In prison, they called me sweet cheeks.