Crime jokes
So I was being robbed, and this guy had the gun to my head, so I told him he was holding it backwards.
Why do crack heads like to do it doggy style?
So one can peep out window and one can peep on floor.
How did the burglar get into my house?
Intruder window.
What was George's last message to humanity before joining the others?
"I CAN'T BREATHE!"
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
(People will then say "r")
Arrr, you think it be "r" but really it's the "C" that they love.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
You are being investigated for downloading illegal copyrighted material, and your internet will be cut off.
Why do orphans play GTA?
So they can feel wanted.
Why do orphans wanna be a criminal?
So that they can be wanted.
What do you call a terrorist in a wheelchair?
An RC-XD.
What did the terrorist think to himself seconds before hitting the tower?
"Did I leave the stove on?"
What's the difference between an escaped prisoner and an orphan?
Only one is wanted.
What did the cop say after he shot the ginger?
"I guess orange is the new black."
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
Q: Name a murderer?
A: Jews: Hitler. Russians: Stalin. Chinese: Mao. Americans: Bin Laden. Aborted fetus: My mom.
Why can’t orphans play GTA and get five stars? Because they’re not wanted!
This ole boy picked up a hooker one time and she gave him the clap. In a few days, he saw her again, and he went up to her and said, "Hey, you gave me the clap!" She said, "NO I DID NOT! I sold it to ya!"
What is the perfect job for a pedophile?
A physical doctor for kids.
What’s harder than steel?
Michael Jackson in a playground.
What kind of shoes does a kidnapper wear?
White vans.
A man is being sued for raping a deaf girl. The judge, showing his pinky:
"You should be ashamed, man, your conscience is even smaller than that!"
The girl, showing her arm:
"Mhhhmmhmm, mhhmhm!"
P1: What's the difference between a kid and a hooker?
P2: I don't know.
P1: Wow, you sick fuck!