Comparison jokes

I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.

What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

You look tall for being a yellow dwarf. You are 432,450 miles tall!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, A face like yours belongs in the zoo, But don't you worry, I'll be there too, Not in a cage, but laughing at you!

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and an erection? I don't have a Lamborghini.

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

Head look like a mf gorilla pop.

I'm better than you in every single way... I even have an extra chromosome.

What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.

Your maw *microsoft shutting down noise*

What's the difference between having sex with my girlfriend and a baby?

I don't have a girlfriend.

People are like potatoes.

We may look different, but we all taste the same with a little ketchup.

I like my girls like I like my wine.

12 years old and locked in my basement.

Women are like dogs...

"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"

"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"

"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."

SHOES

What's the difference between eggs and you? Eggs get laid, you don't.

What's the difference between a boy and gold?

More people want gold.

There's a difference between my brother and Stephen Hawking.

At least Stephen Hawking does something.

What’s the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

The mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.

My daughter is the most adorable little girl in the world. She's got my sister's eyes.