Comparison jokes
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
What is the similar thing between alcohol and anal sex?
They are not for kids.
What’s the difference between a baby and a beet?
Beets stain your teeth.
Why are women like diapers?
They’re usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.
Husband: "I bet you can't say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."
Wife: "You have the biggest penis out of all your friends."
What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
Girls are like volcanoes.
You never know when they will erupt.
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
The Annoying Orange called Donald Trump a copycat.
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.
A sex addict man meets a rich man around Christmas.
The sex addict asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The sex addict asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
The sex addict nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The sex addict thinks about it for a second and replies, "A gold necklace and a dildo."
The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The sex addict astutely responds, "This way, if she doesn't like the jewelry she can go f... herself."
My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either since 2005.
what's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? the trampoline doesn't cave in when i jump on it.
What’s the similarity between your uncle and your hands?
They can both do dirty things.
What does a duck and a tablespoon have in common?
Both are not a lamp.
I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.