Comparison jokes
My first high-school football game was a lot like my first time having sex...
I was bloody and sore at the end, but at least my dad came.
How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One is a refreshing summertime snack; the other one is a watermelon.
What is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Well, beer nuts are 49 cents, but deer nuts are just under a buck. (If you don’t understand the genders of deer, you won’t understand it.)
What does a kid and wine have in common?
Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.
I like my women like I like my diving pools.
Wet and deep.
I like my women like I like my diving pool:
Deep and wet.
What's the difference between onions and babies?
I cry when I cut onions.
What's the difference between a PC and a 6 year old? I don't have to clean out my PC.
Highest level of insult by a girl by seeing a guy's dick:
"I can shit bigger logs than that thing of your's" 🤣
What's the difference between a dick and a cannon?
Your dick shots longer.
My diet:
Make all of my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look...
What number is better; 46 or 47?
I don't know, ask the kid with Down syndrome.
What's the difference between a smart blonde and a dinosaur?
The dinosaur once existed.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bicycle and a badly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
What's a similarity between blondes and a vacuum cleaner? You have to turn them on before they start to suck.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies? I don’t put fruit in a blender.
FEMA during a natural disaster is kinda like me during sex. Slow to respond and not a lot of satisfying results.
The egg that beat Kylie Jenner.
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!