Comparison jokes
What’s the difference between a doctor and a pedophile?
The doctor doesn’t enjoy giving physicals.
My short friend called me a scrub, even though he was the one below me.
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
Jesus Christ said my faith can move mountains, so Mohammed said my faith can move skyscrapers.
What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato?
About 140 calories.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Atoms are small, But so are you!
What's the difference between a Mexican and a book?
The book has papers.
What's the difference between a gay guy and a microwave?
The microwave doesn't brown the meat.
Why is leather armor better for sneaking than steel armor?
Leather armor is made of hide.
What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
A painting only takes one nail to be hanged.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer he's hooked up to? The computer runs.
What's the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling? One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler.
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
What did Schrödinger say to Shakespeare?
"To be and not to be."
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? -- The tea bag stays longer in a cup.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
What's the difference between America and a bottle of milk?
In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture.
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times, and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once, and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.