Commitment jokes
What do you call an emo committing suicide while filming it?
America's Funniest Home Videos.
The teacher says to do your homework. I do. My friends do. One person never does any of his homework.
Eventually, we had to have fun. He said he didn't do it. WOW what did he do? I like to think he got smacked and nearly committed suicide.
It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.
Why did Hitler commit suicide?
He got the gas bill.
Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.
Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.
Person 2: I know how to fix that!
... Next day person commits suicide...
Man I hate it when companies do this crap, now you can't commit toaster bath anymore
What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.
(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)
What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?
Panera bloodshed.
When a redhead commits a mass shooting, does the headline read, "Ginger snaps"?
A noose, a knife, a gun, and a razor blade look at a child who committed suicide after being bullied.
Everyone looked at the noose. The noose would say, "What? It wasn't my fault!"
A woman is on the edge of a bridge, about to commit suicide, when a strange man comes up to her.
"Tell me, why do you wish to end your life?" he asks in a booming but gentle voice.
"My children died last year in a car crash, I'm battling depression, my husband left me, and I lost my job," she sobs. "I don't wish to live anymore."
The man mulls this over, and proclaims, "I will solve all your problems, as I am a wizard and possess unfathomable abilities. However, you must grant me a blowjob first."
The delighted woman readily agrees, takes him below the bridge, and fulfills his request. After they're done, he asks, "How old are you?"
"37," she replies, wiping her mouth.
"You're 37 and you still believe in wizards?"
A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."
A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."
Why would you shoot up an innocent school... if your aimbot's dead and you can't commit headshots only?
My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.
My depressed friend said he wanted to jump off of a bridge but he didn’t wanna commit suicide. I told him if you jump and yell "parkour," it’ll just be a failed stunt.
How do you get a trans woman to commit suicide?
Use he/him pronouns on him.
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
Hugging Leo is a great way to commit suicide... you’d just drown in all her fatness.
What do you call a Portuguese who commits a crime in Las Vegas?
Consensual Rapper 7.
A man went into a library to get a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian said, "No, you won't bring it back."