Commitment jokes

I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"

Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"

Why don’t you get a book about how to commit suicide?

Because you won’t bring it back afterwards.

Why do orphans commit crimes?

It’s the only time they’re ever wanted.

A team of cops and a news reporter are at a home where a violent crime has been committed. The head news reporter, in front of the camera, says, "A woman in this house has killed her husband because he stepped on the floor while she was mopping." He then turns around and asks a cop, "Has the woman been arrested yet?" The cop replies, "Not yet, we're waiting for the floor to dry."

This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"

What’s the only victimless crime you can commit? Murder, cause there’s a victim less!

Don't commit suicide, that would make DJUNGELSKOG sad!

Why do some couples go to the gym together?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

One day a man buys a rope to commit suicide, but his friend stops him.

They go to a school with lots of happy kids. The guy feels better after a mag.

I be ready to commit suicide.

But when it comes to jumping out my window, I'm scared ash.

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

A guy told a beautiful girl, "Hey, I want to make love to you. If I throw $2000 when you go to pick it up, that's when I'll go. Is that okay?"

She called her husband, and he said, "Okay, but pick it up fast so he doesn't have time to pull his pants down."

Four hours later, she shows up to her house and tells her husband, "THAT FUCKER PAID IN COINS!"

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

What is the easiest way to get into a busy hospital? Try to commit suicide.

(YES I KNOW I SPELLED SCUCIDE WRONG)

Balls deep.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, In every step you take, My support stays true.

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.

Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles, and lighten your burden."

Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."

Girl: "Well, that's because we aren't married yet!"

Alvin and the Chipmunks commit war crimes.