Commitment jokes

Why doesn't Kermit the frog get married?

He doesn't like commitment.

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.

I got hired by an orphan to commit crimes, so he could become wanted.

I remember the first time I went to one of Luis Fonsi's concerts...

I wanted to commit DEATHpacito so badly.

What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!

Go commit Thanos finger snap.

Why do some couples go to the gym together?

Because they want their relationship to work out.

Why did orphans want to commit a crime?

Because they wanted to see what it feels like to be wanted.

Mom: Son, did you go to school?

Son: What if I said yes?

Mom: You are in school! *slap*

Son: Mom, I am moving out and I am moving in with my girlfriend.

Mom: You are with...? Please don't move out =(

Son: Mom, stop! So what if I am moving out? I am moving into my girlfriend's home. It's only for school.

Mom: Well, you are kicked out of my home!

Son: Good.

Mom: I am sad now. Why did he move out?

If you like it, please commit down.

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

What's the worst thing about committing suicide? You can only do it once.

What's the only regret you would have when you eventually kill yourself? It wasn't sooner.

I like to commit arson as a recreational activity, you?

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

My friend had one request for me before he committed suicide, and that was to play Van Halen’s “Jump” at his funeral.

What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.

I saw three people online on this site... Hope you guys will commit suicide tonight.

I don’t have another talking stage in me. 🤦🏿‍♂️ Do you squirt, and is your BD dead? 😭

I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.

It's my New Year's resolution.

So my teacher's daughter committed suicide.

One day I'ma go up to her and say, "What's wrong, did Logan Paul leave your daughter hanging?"

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.