Commitment jokes
If a man is willing to try his hardest to give you the moon and stars, then ladies, you should be willing to give up Uranus.
So you know those people that commit suicide by hanging themselves? I guess they lost Hangman.
When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.
What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!
A hot woman is ready to jump from a bridge and commit suicide when an ugly, stinky homeless man comes up to her and tells her, "Oh baby, you so hot, let's fuck!"
She just yells, "Get the fuck away, you creep!"
He just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
Man I hate it when companies do this crap, now you can't commit toaster bath anymore
Where do spiders commit crimes?
The Dark Web.
Why do homeless people commit crimes?
They get a bed in jail.
Why did the orphan commit a bank robbery?
So he could be wanted.
Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
Well, I wouldn't want to be named "asdjasdjasdak" either.
What do you do if your online friend wants to commit suicide? You can't do anything, he's already on line.
How to commit arson:
1. Burn down an orphanage.
Me, calls the police*
Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!
Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.
Me: Why, so you can then stop me?
Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!
Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!
Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
Vegan Teacher the musical.
Miss Kadie - "Oh no, you poor dead animal!"
Mr. Beast- 🎶 "You're a dumb Communist, Miss Kadie" 🎶
Chandler-🎵 "Yup, you're one high fluting son of a gun" 🎵
Mr. Beast- 🎵 "I just gobbled up a quadruple patty from my restaurant" 🎵
Miss Kadie - 🎵 "Don't hurt animals kids, do you want to be a vegans 'R' us kid?" 🎵
Kids- 🎵 "We've had enough of your problems, Miss Kadie, you're such a commie!"
Miss Kadie - 🎵 "I just want to die because I'm so sad!"
- Miss Kadie jumps off Mr. Beast Burger and commits suicide.
You got a black cat.
He was bad luck.
Everyone left you and you committed suicide.
What a CATastrophe!
Why is it so hard to find people defending suicide in any discussion?
Because they are really committed to their cause.
Tons of people committed suicide on 9/11 by destroying government property.
Not to mention and by plane.
My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.
Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?
I went home to my girlfriend with milk! She said, "Oh thank you honey!"
Then I got a call from a girl named Melissa. She called and said, "Steven, where the hell have you been? It's been two weeks and you still haven't come back yet?"