Commitment jokes

Are you suicide? Cause I'm tryna commit to you.

When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.

A pornstar committed suicide; her coworkers must be taking it hard.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

If I wanted to commit suicide, I would climb up to your ego, and then jump down to your IQ.

Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."

The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.

The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.

The third lady says, "I never had a husband."

The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."

They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.

The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."

"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"

Teacher: Who here has thought about committing suicide?

Half of the class: *raises hand*

Teacher: ...

The half of the class: *Starts talking about how they were thinking of doing it*

My friend committed suicide yesterday... At least he went out with a bang.

Allan: What are you doing Saturday night? Museum girl: Committing suicide. Allan: What about Friday night?

In what ways do nuns and hoes have something in common?

They both worship on their knees. They are both creatures of habit. They both take vows of poverty and obedience. Once chosen, neither can leave the life. They both swallow their hosts.

Up into the sky so very far, here comes Dr. Seuss! "ALLAHU AKBAR", at the ripe old age of 97, he committed 9/11.

What does a relationship and suicide have in common?

I always fail on committing.

If a person shoots a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful, or is it murder?