Comedy jokes
I heard a joke about heavy metal earlier. It was pretty ironic.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his driver (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his driver said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the driver's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The driver gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the driver fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my driver, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
The last joke about the dad was a joke. Don't take it seriously. Can't believe that people actually think that was true.
What happens when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
What's the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy? You have to ask permission before stuffing it with meat.
Have you heard my cherry joke? It's pitiful.
What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.
Only a genius can say this.
I am stupid.
Tyler
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
What do you call a fantastic goat?
Goatastic! So funny please like.
I told my friend ten puns to see what one made him laugh. No pun in ten did.
Heard the Helen Keller single?
It’s called ERRRRRAGHHH!!!
Dark jokes are like Antarctica.
They're cold.
What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
A married woman gets hit by a truck, and the cops tell her husband:
Cop: "Sir, it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
Man: "I know, but she has a great personality."
I tried out some puns to make people laugh, but no pun in ten did.