Child jokes
When I become a parent, I’m gonna regurgitate my food to feed my children.
It’ll give me an excuse to make out with my daughter.
What do you call an orphan's family picture?
A selfie.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
Why can orphans not play bingo?
Because they can't get a full house.
Why can’t orphans ride bikes?
Because they don’t have parent supervision.
You know why pedophiles get away with molesting children?
Because who are they gonna tell? Not their parents.
"Uh daddy harder," the orphan said. Oh wait, he doesn’t have a daddy.
What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?
My big green pedo machine.
Child: Mom, someone told me you talk like an owl.
Teacher: Who?
Child: Oh, it is true, you do talk like an owl!
Child: "Mom, what's an 'orgasm'?"
Mom: "I don't know, dear. Try asking your father."
Why can't orphans play baseball? Because they cannot find home.
I saw an orphan and I said, "Yo."
He said, "What do you want?"
I said, "To be your new father."
"Really??!" the orphan said.
Me: Lol, no.
Orphan *Jumps into street*
What is yellow and can’t swim?
A school bus full of children.
Don't see why people say that babysitting a toddler is hard. You just grease the bathtub, put them inside with some food and drink, and go do your business. I guarantee you that they will still be there when you return.
If you stay in the house, you might need to use sound cancelling headphones too, though.
One day, Little Johnny walks in on his dad getting dressed and asked, "What is that, Daddy?" Dad said, "Oh, that's my snake." The next day, Little Johnny walks in on his mom getting dressed and asks, "What is that?" Mom says, "That's my bushes." The next day, Little Johnny can't sleep, so he goes into his parents' room and asks Dad, "Why is your snake going into Mom's bushes?"
Q: What did I find on my son's search history?
A: Where is the nearest gun shop?
A toddler was giving her daddy a tea party.
She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea, her Mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watches him drink it up and then says, "You know the only place she can reach water, is the toilet!"
I just encountered a father and son moment over some milk.
The dad finally came back with the milk!
How many children does Explain Bear have?
I went to jail because I gave the orphan kid a calendar with 363 days.
(I deleted Mother's Day and Father's Day.)