Child Jokes

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know what a home looks like.

What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.

Why can't the orphan take a family photo?

Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

I don't think it's a good idea for AISH workers to date each other.

If there's ever a shooting at one of those offices, the kid would lose both parents.

I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.

Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

How many children does Explain Bear have?

Why did the African child wake up suddenly? Because he was being sexually abused.

I gave a blind kid a hand grenade and told him it's a beyblade.

Two priests are pulled over by the police. One priest asks the cop what the reason for pulling them over is. The cop says, "We are looking for two child molesters." The priest look at each other and tell the cop they'll do it.

A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

A German priest went to America for a few months. Unfortunately for him, he did not speak the best English. He stayed with a beautiful, young single woman who worked at a nearby orphanage.

Every day, he visited her in the orphanage, and he always brought her small gifts, and of course to the young children.

The young woman thought the priest was flirting with him, and she knew he was not married. She left that thought in the back of her mind for a few weeks.

A few weeks later, she finally brought up her nerve to ask him. She asked him why he always visited her, and why all the gifts for her and the children.

Of course, due to his bad English, he struggled a bit with his sentence, but he said in his thick German accent, "Vell, I visit you and your, your littles, because the kind girls here are very beautiful and cute."

She was quite amused, and blushed a bit. The man was also a bit nervous, and appeared to want to leave her office.

The Priest then excused himself, and went to read the orphans a bedtime story.

He then muttered to himself, "Ach, she's catching on to me! Stupid! Zey are called little girls and boys, not child boys and girls."