Child jokes

What did a man say to his boy?

You are my son.

I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."

"But why?" I replied.

"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.

"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.

What do a plastic bag and Jeffery Epstein have in common?

They're both dangerous to children.

What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie?

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble? Why? The boy who was in the bubble.

A little boy enters Michael Joseph Jackson's house with a doll, and Michael looks angrily at the boy. But the little boy says something that makes Michael jealous: "The girl is mine." Michael cries and asks the boy to leave. A child is saved, and more are, thanks to Conrad Murray and June 25th, dead pedophile day.

What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.

What do you call a child version of Batman?

The Raped Crusader.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

What’s a reverse exorcism?

It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'

I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they don’t know what a home looks like.

What has four legs and one arm?

A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.

Why can't the orphan take a family photo?

Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.

What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?

Let us prey.

I don't think it's a good idea for AISH workers to date each other.

If there's ever a shooting at one of those offices, the kid would lose both parents.

I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.

Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.

A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.

The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.

The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.

I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.