Child jokes
What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?
An apple gets picked.
I bet when your mom first saw you, she said, "Oh my god, this ain't my child. My child would look amazing."
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
Q. What's the difference between my phone battery and an anti-vax kid?
A. Nothing, they both die at ten.
Where do Eagles send their children to study?
The Alpha birds.
Q) What did the airplane say to the little boy?
A) Nothing, airplanes don't talk!
What's Yellow and can't swim?
A bus full of dead babies.
One day, there were three people: a mom and two kids. One of the kids walks up and asks her mom why she was named Rose. Her mom told her that she ate a rose petal when she was born; that is why she was named Rose.
Then the second child walked up and yelled, "Ahhhhhh!" and the mom said, "Shut up, Billy Goat!"
Lil Johnny looked in his pants and couldn’t find his fish, so he started to yell out, "Lil fishy, lil fishy, lil fishy!" They called child support and sent the parents to jail for putting a fish up a child’s butt.
What has a kid with cancer and Peter Pan in common?
They will never grow up.
What does the child with no hands get for Christmas? Unknown. He hasn't opened it yet.
What does a homeless man in New York get for Christmas? Hypothermia.
What do you call an orphan with no legs in an adoption center?
Answer: Who cares?
What's small, brown and crispy?
A baby in an oven.
Boy: Mom, why are you drinking this disgusting red soup? I wanted salad.
Mom: Quiet, son. We only get this once a month.
I rolled over a log and underneath was a tiny little stick, and I was like, "That log had a child!"
Why did Aaron's dad beat him? Because he tensed his ass.
Once, there was a Minecraft child molester on the Minecraft Facebook. He asks a kid his age. The kid blocks him.
When your wife gets pregnant and you don't want a kid, just come on down to Momma Mia's Pizzeria and abortion clinic!
Stranger: Do you want a lollipop?
Kid: No, I hate lollipops, so yeah, and you are not my daddy.