Child jokes
I got fired from my paramedic job on the first day. I told an eight-year-old who lost his leg in a car accident to "walk it off."
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
What did a man say to his boy?
You are my son.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
What do a plastic bag and Jeffery Epstein have in common?
They're both dangerous to children.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite movie?
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble? Why? The boy who was in the bubble.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What do you call a child version of Batman?
The Raped Crusader.
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
What’s a reverse exorcism?
It’s when the demon tells the priest to get out of the child.
What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?
The apple gets picked.
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!'
I thought, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
Why are orphans so bad at baseball?
Because they don’t know what a home looks like.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Rottweiler in a children’s playground.
Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.
Why can't the orphan take a family photo?
Answer: The orphan has no family to take a picture with.
What did the priest say when he walked into an elementary school?
Let us prey.
I was literally cradlesnatched as a child.
Yeah, in the arms of an older woman experiencing my first rounds of motorboating.
A boy sat in his bed, watching a meteor shower. He was a vengeful child and wished that his parents would no longer bother him whilst he was gaming.
The next morning, he woke up to find his mother had passed away in the night. Clearly his wish had worked. However, his father worked a midnight job, and as such the boy was very confused when he returned home from work, expecting him to have met the same fate.
The two of them then looked out the window in thought, only to find the milkman lying dead on the pavement.
I'd tell a child abuse joke, but I forget the punchline.