Child jokes

My woman is a nine on a bad day, but she’ll be 10 on her birthday.

Where do babies get baptized?

So the priest can wash their sex toys.

What song did Michael Jackson come up with after his first sleepover with the kid?

"Just Beat It."

If a pregnant lady murders someone, does the child get an assist?

I just prevented a 10-year-old from getting assaulted.

Nothing much, I just decided to go home.

Bill Clinton and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship.

Joe Biden says we need to save the women and children. Bill Clinton says, "Screw the women and children." Joe Biden says, "Do we have that much time?"

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

"Dude, can you believe Republicans are opposed to homosexuality, women's rights, and immigration, yet they are silent when it comes to incest and child molestation?"

"Well, I'm not surprised. Republicans have to win the Alabama vote, or else."

Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy?

Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games!

Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

If you leave your small children inside a shower with Kelly Clarkson, you're a filthy parent.

What if Game of Thrones and Harry Potter antagonism had a child?

Coldemort!

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

Why'd Biden get fired from the supermarket?

He kept telling little kids they smell like freshly baked bread.

My friend's dad died during 9/11. He was such a good pilot, but my friend kept disturbing him, so when his dad died, he said, "It was you who killed me" (to the child).

So the child said, "Yoo-hoo? What type of name is Yoo-hoo, but Yoo-hoo, Yoo-hoo come here, I need to kill you NOW."

I call my penis the truth because the truth always comes out of children’s mouths.

What are the three worst years of a black child's life?

First grade!

In 2001, my parents took me to 9/11. I was soaring towards it with excitement!

Me: Brings in missing child.

Police: OMG this kid has been missing for 3 months. Here is your reward.

Me: Oh, cool.

NEXT DAY

Me: Brings in 8 other kids.

Police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!