Car jokes

1950: In the future there will be flying cars.

2018: Pewdiepie shuts down Shane Dawson.

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

Every time someone calls you a little different, car? Just say, "No, I'm not."

I accidentally hit an orphan with my car, but I was not worried because he couldn’t tell his parents.

So I was in the car with my mom one time and we always joke about me being adopted (I am not), and Michael Jackson's song "Billie Jean" sounds like my name, and so my mom says, as the song is playing, "(My name) is not my daughter, she's just a girl who claims that I am her mum." Wow. *applauds for mother* Love you momma =)

Why did the car fall asleep?

Because he was too tired.

I had a dream about a car, and I woke up exhausted.

I was at the club and then my dad walked up and said, "You're 15, why are you high and at the club?" So I ran. Then my uncle was at the car and took me home, so I was grounded. Then my boyfriend came because my parents went out and we had sex and we were very loud. My dad came home and walked in. He had my boyfriend pin me against the wall so my dad could spank me.

What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?

...A girl scout that got hit by a car.

My favorite thing to do in my free time is putting a large skewer on the front of my car and speeding through a school zone trying to make a kebab.

My friend Amir didn’t have the greatest driving record because of all the car crashes he got in. He only crashed his plane once in a building, so he had a much better flying record.

How does a blonde turn off the light after having sex?

She opens the car door.

Two tomatoes are walking on a road. Then a car runs over one of them, and the other says: "Hi, ketchup!"

What do you call an Asian that steals cars? Tommy toke a motor.

I gave her a lift back to her crib because her car wouldn’t start.

What's the difference between a happy family and a car guy? Only one has a family.

What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?

If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.

A man with a gun and a sword walks into a bar, sees a girl, and falls in love with her.

Man: "Hey, you are one beautiful girl. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Girl: "No, because you have a gun and a sword."

Man: "But I am already in love with you."

And then the man leaves to get the girl flowers and candy.

The girl is glad that he has gone, until thirty minutes later, when he shows up again.

Man: "Here are some flowers for you, beautiful girl."

And the girl throws the flowers in his face, and then everyone in the bar laughs, even the bartender.

Man: "And here is some candy."

And the girl throws the candy in his face, and everyone in the bar laughs again, and some teenagers walking down the street see it as well, and then they start laughing too.

One of the teenagers says "Hahaha, that is so funny. Seeing a man give a girl candy, and the girl throwing it in his face to show him that she hates him."

Girl: "I hate you, ugly man!"

Man: "Bartender, can I get some candy for my girl?"

The bartender laughs when he hears that, and then he says "Are you crazy? We don't serve-"

And then the man shoots the bartender with his gun and stabs him with his sword. An old man walking down the street can't believe what he just saw, so he calls the police to arrest the man who killed the bartender.

999 Service Guy: "999, what's your emergency?"

Old man: "I just walked past a bar, and I saw a man shoot and stab the bartender. Can you please get the police to arrest him? Tell them he is the man with a gun and a sword in his bag."

999 Service Guy: "Okay, no worries."

1 Hour later, the first man tries to dance the tango with the girl, and the girl kicks him in the leg, and then he tries to kiss her, and she punches him in the face.

Guy sitting at a table in the bar: "That man is crazy. Trying to kiss a girl who hates him."

And the police show up.

First Policeman: "Which man has a gun and a sword in his bag?"

The girl points to the man and says "This man."

Second Policeman: "Let's arrest him."

Man: "No, wait! I can explain."

Third Policeman: "Get in the back of the car."

When the police get to the Police Station with the man, the first policeman says "You will stay in prison for 10 years."

One week later, the man breaks the bars and escapes prison.

The police see him and run after him.

Third Policeman: "Come back here!"

The man doesn't listen, and he keeps running, so the police shoot him and he dies.

And instead of saying rest in peace on his gravestone, it says rest in pieces.

So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

Wanna hear the car joke?

Nah, it's too fast for you.