Can jokes

Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.

I look at your bro.

And all I can see is the real definition of *"Lack of Grace!"*

A rich man and a poor man are talking about anniversaries. The rich man got his wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring. He says if the wife does not like the ring, she can take the Mercedes and leave.

The poor man said he got his wife slippers and a dildo. He says if his wife does not like the slippers, she can go and fuck herself.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

What is the difference between a tree and a dog?

A dog can walk and a tree cannot walk.

What does a man masturbating and a mayo bottle have in common?

They can both squirt out their cum.

I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.

Here’s my hand, please hold it. That way I can say I was touched by an angel.

Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? -- A barber.

Looking for true love. Must be into fun, likes to go out driving, playing the latest catching game and most importantly, must love kids. (PEADOPHILES MUST APPLY WITH HOW MANY KIDS YOU CAN CARRY!)

Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?

Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........

Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.

What's the difference between a midget and a tall person? Only one of them can ride the rides.

It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.

Student: Hey! Did you hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?

Teacher: No?

Student: All I can say about it is, "Well, well, well."

I wish my dog was depressed so she can cut her own nails.

What is long that Paul Walker can fit into his mouth? A long black tree.

I have a fish that can breakdance!

Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Ninety percent of your beauty can be removed with a Kleenex.

Oh, were you talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.

Hold still, I am trying to imagine you with a personality.

How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? -- All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.