Can jokes

I'm going to your mom's house. Can you help me, planet?

Dumb kid: What does homework mean?

Teacher: J0K35? (J0K35 is me btw) can you explain to DK what homework means, please?

Me:

"Half Of My Existence Wasted On Random Knowledge"

Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?

Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!

Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!

Gwen: He does, you're not listening.

Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!

What’s the similarity between a penis and a lollipop?

Kids can take both.

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!

A: Do you eat food?

B: Yes...

A: You can sit on deez nuts then!

B: Omg I have depression now.

A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Can I have 5 beers please?"

I give bubblegum to the homeless so they can chew it and still be hungry.

Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!

Why did Zayn Malik get his girlfriend to convert to Islam? So she can declare GiGIHADid.

I'm supposed to put a joke here.

But I can't find a mirror...can you find one yourself?

I'm sure you'll laugh.

What is the difference between a school bus and a baseball?

You can throw a baseball, and you can’t throw a school bus.

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

What do you think of your mom? I can do it.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

How can a man make the world safer?

By having the chop.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

Dad: Uh, yeah!

Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!

Parents: Sex!

Son: What?

Parents: Look, you can spectate!