Can jokes

Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!

Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!

Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!

Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!

Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?

Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?

Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.

Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!

Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!

Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!

Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!

Gwen: He does, you're not listening.

Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!

Dad: Uh, yeah!

Son: Mom, Dad, what are you doing!

Parents: Sex!

Son: What?

Parents: Look, you can spectate!

A man walks into a bar and sees a piece of steak on the ceiling.

The cashier says, "If you can grab it, your meal's free!"

The man then said, "Nah, the stakes are too high."

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Madam.

Madam who?

Madam foot got caught in the door, can you please open it!

Why did Zayn Malik get his girlfriend to convert to Islam? So she can declare GiGIHADid.

How can a man make the world safer?

By having the chop.

Me and my twin when we share a pizza: there can be only one!

How many dicks can fit inside of a hooker? I don't know, ask your wife.

Me: GUYS GUYS I CAN STOP 9/11.

My friend: How?

Justin: Justin!

You know what would be the best last thing to say before you die? "No, you certainly can't." JFK's assassin certainly can!

I'm thinking about telling my daughter there's a ghost in the house. At least then I can wear a bed sheet at night and fuck her without her being suspicious.

I give bubblegum to the homeless so they can chew it and still be hungry.

A Roman guy walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Can I have 5 beers please?"

A: Do you eat food?

B: Yes...

A: You can sit on deez nuts then!

B: Omg I have depression now.

Can a cook and clean for real? No, I do not want no rabbit hare in my house.

I went to the orphans to paint a picture of their parents so they can actually talk to them.

What is the difference between a school bus and a baseball?

You can throw a baseball, and you can’t throw a school bus.

What day can you have sex on?

Answer: Wednesday. Why? Because it's hump day.

Armless child: Can you give me a hand??

Me: Ok.

What do you think of your mom? I can do it.