Can jokes

Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.

The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"

Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."

The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"

Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."

What's the difference between a blowjob and cough syrup?

They can both give you relief and make you gag at the same time.

Ever have an Italian sausage in a can?

Can you imagine what was the last thing that went through their brains?

The knee caps.

You know they say, when you get lemons make lemonade... Well, I took that a little bit too literal.

Turns out squeezing your wife's tits as hard as you can hurts them.

But at least lemonade came out!

What is the difference between an orphan and a non-orphan? You can slap the orphan, but not the non-orphan because they can actually tell their parents.

What does an orphan and a wheelchair have in common?

They can both be replaced.

What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?

Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.

Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."

If your baby can unhook your bra, is it time to stop breastfeeding?

How many skinny people can fit in a tub? I don't know; they keep slipping down the drain.

What can run, be an eyesore, and practice social distancing?

Your hairline.

She asked:

"How can you explain a yellow color to a blind man?"

Wife: [Looks] in the mirror. Wife: I look fat, can you say something positive? Husband: At least your eyes work.

Orphan: Can I go outside?

Coworker at orphanage: Go ask your mom.

Orphan: WAWAWAWAWAW

Why can’t you sell nans, but you can sell zebras?

Why don’t I shut myself all the time?

I can only fit so many pairs of kids in my mouth and stomach at the same time.

Hey Ryan, what do you call a wall so large no man can conquer?

Answer: Ryan's forehead.

Which country can swim?

Finland. Get it? Fin Land?

Quote of the day:

Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day.

[Comment your favorite fall beverage!]