But jokes
I told the last person I slept with I was pregnant. He freaked the fuck out but calmed down after he realized it was April Fools'.
The look on my cousin's face was hilarious.
I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.
Warner Brothers have made a new Superman movie with Superman being black.
This new Superman's nickname is the "Man of Steel" but it's spelled s-t-e-a-l.
What did Dom Toretto say about the tree Paul Walker hit?
"Family strong, but not that strong."
I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.
What’s the difference between a prostitute and a homeless shelter?
You can shit a load inside of a prostitute, but if you try it in a shelter, you get arrested.
If you run next to a car, you get tired, but if you run behind it, you get exhausted.
I'll be here all week... sadly enough for you.
I would make a dad joke, but I don't have a dad to joke about.
I'd give you a nasty look, but you've already got one.
I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.
if priests were on Twitter, they would tweet, "He's a 10 but he's 10."
Mother: How is my little cookie doing?
Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.
Mother: Really?
Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.
Mother: 😁♥️🍪
Sister: I don't want to do it, but...
Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.
Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)
"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.
People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.
In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
Some people think Bin Laden is dead, but some think he's alive.
He is the Al-Qaeda Elvis.
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!