But jokes

I decided that I'll end it all, but when I drove off, I remembered I forgot to do the dishes.

What do the twin towers and genders have in common? They used to be two, but now they're a sensitive subject.

if priests were on Twitter, they would tweet, "He's a 10 but he's 10."

If you run next to a car, you get tired, but if you run behind it, you get exhausted.

I'll be here all week... sadly enough for you.

I just saw people writing "Zoophile," "Ailurophile," and "Dendrophilia" in their bios. I thought this was cool, but when I wrote "Necrophile" and "Pedophile," I don't know why people started hating me as if I did something wrong. I was just trying to be cool like them, man.

"Have a nice day" and "enjoy the next 24 hours" mean the same thing, but one sounds like a threat.

Uranus is larger than Neptune, but Neptune is more massive/heavier. (Fact not joke, also Neptune, don't kill me!)

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

I was going to tell a 9/11 joke, but it was really plane.

In India, 3 things are wide and far everywhere, but no one admits: racism, sexism, and Sunny's jism.

Warner Brothers have made a new Superman movie with Superman being black.

This new Superman's nickname is the "Man of Steel" but it's spelled s-t-e-a-l.

I’d like to take you to the movies, but unfortunately, they don’t let you bring your own snacks.

People at my school have started to wear Logan Paul merch. I try to give them a high five, but they always leave me hanging.

Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.

Mother: How is my little cookie doing?

Doctor: Your cookie is feeling crummy right now.

Mother: Really?

Doctor: But don’t worry. Things are about to get batter.

Mother: 😁♥️🍪

What do the Twin Towers and genders have in common?

There used to be two, but now it's a sore subject.

My first time sex was like buying my first used, crappy car.

I didn't want it, but Dad gave it to me anyway.

What runs but never stops?

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad." The father says, "Good bye Grandad? Why is that?" The daughter says, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, Grandad drops dead.

The father can't believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter's prayers again. She says, "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma." The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, "Just because I felt like it." The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn't know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy." The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn't go home and stays there until midnight. He's very surprised. 'I've cheated death!' he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, "Where have you been?!" and the husband says, "Oh don't ask me any questions, today's been miserable." The wife replies, "Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch..."

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on the floor. But only for like twenty seconds.