But jokes

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

Three guys are on a plane: one is Asian, one is Mexican, and the other is an American. The pilot says, "There is too much weight on the plane, you all need to throw something off." So the Mexican threw out a burrito and said, "I have plenty of these where I come from." Then the Asian threw out some rice and said, "I have plenty of these in my country." The American threw out a bomb and said, "I have a lot of these in my country."

The plane crashes anyway, and the three men start to walk away from the crash. As they were walking, they found a boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of burritos fell out of the sky and got me all messy." The men started walking away and soon enough they found another boy crying. They asked him what was wrong, and he said, "A ton of rice fell out of the sky and shredded all my clothes." The guys knew who did it but avoided the trouble. They kept on walking and found a kid laughing so hard he was on the ground, and they asked what had been so funny. The boy said, "MY GRANDPA FARTED AND THE HOUSE BLEW UP!!!"

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.

I want to write some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them works.

What goes up and down but stays in the same place?

Stairs.

I would say life's a joke, but I can't, because jokes have a meaning.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.

I’ll make a joke about homeless people, but they just don’t work.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

They say they'll stay, but I left first.

Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.