But jokes

I would say life's a joke, but I can't, because jokes have a meaning.

And God said to John, "Come forth, and you shall be granted eternal life."

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

I know this place may be cruel, but hang in there!

Why were the Twin Towers mad?

Because they bought a pepperoni pizza, but they got plane.

I’ll make a joke about homeless people, but they just don’t work.

I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’

It’s OK if emo kids always hang from the trees, but if we do it, it’s considered against the law.

I took my 5 year old son to ride some roller coasters. I think he didn’t like it because I challenged him to a no hands contest.

He said, "But I don’t have any." He wanted to know what dark humor is. Now he knows what it is and what it feels like.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high, grabbed her thigh, and said, "You know you wanna." Jill said yes and pulled up her dress, and then they had some fun, but silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a daughter.

Haha, I fucked you over!

They say they'll stay, but I left first.

Your mama is so ugly, she tried summoning Candyman, but he refused to come!

I was going to tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

I can make 9/11 jokes, but every time I do, they crash and burn.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

I would tell a dad joke, but it already left me.

I wanted another piece of pizza... but she said I could only have One Piece.

When his dick is really, really small, but you pretend it is so big it hurts so you don’t make him feel bad 'cause he is a nice guy.

One depressed kid goes to high-five a tree, but the tree just left him hanging.

A teacher says, "If you have one dollar and your parents give you 5 dollars, how much do you have?"

Everyone raised their hands except for a little girl in the front, but the teacher called on her anyway.

The girl said, "My parents left me, so I would have one dollar."