But jokes

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.