But jokes

Tits are like Lego bricks. They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

Science flies you to the moon, but religion flies you into skyscrapers.

"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."

"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.

"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

How do you tell when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

I tried having a three-way with two physicists, but they couldn't solve the three-body problem.

I was going to join the debating team.

... but someone talked me out of it.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be R, but really his heart will always belong to the C.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says, "Spit out your gum," but a train says, "Chew chew!"

I used to be a banker...

But then I lost interest.

The early bird might get the worm...

But the second mouse gets the cheese.