But jokes

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.

What is heavy forward but not backward?

"Ton."

How can you tell if your wife is dead? -- The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

A cop stopped a guy for speeding.

He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the guy replied.

The cop said, "But there is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift, but I couldn't find a manual.

The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

What's the difference between tuna, a piano and glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it... He's gay, definitely gay.

I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had. He started counting, but fell asleep.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

"Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital."

"Aaron, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."