Birth jokes
What's more useless than a broken condom? A fetus resulting from a broken condom.
Me: Hi Jacob!
Jacob: Hi.
Me: Your parents went to jail for littering when you were born!
Jacob: GOO GOO GAH GAH
Woman: A woman’s life is harder, there is menstruation, periods, birth...
Man: Men have to deal with women.
What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?
Wrong тайминг.
Ever seen twins?
If you said yes, was it before or after 2001?
Who is older than the Twin Towers?
Billy Bob the 1th. He was older than the Twin Towers. He was born 3 minutes before the Twin Towers and is still alive today.
If you're born deaf, what language would you think in?
When your parents say, "We are sorry that you are here," what do you think of that?
I think that you're an accident!
What did the mom say when her child came out?
"The head was so big!"
What’s another name for a woman giving birth?
Unloading the dishwasher.
When your teenager asks for personal space and you remind her that she came out of your personal space.
When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
Yo momma's so ugly, her birth certificate was an apology letter.
It said to submit a joke, and that's what my mom did when I was born.
So, one day I was walking home from school with my best friend, Sally. She was worried to get home because she was going to tell her mom that Bob, the class rep, got her pregnant eight months ago, and now it was obvious she was pregnant. So I said, “Sally, it’ll be okay, I’m sure she’ll be happy to get a grandson.” “Yeah, thanks, Suzy,” she said to me, then went into her house.
The next few weeks she didn’t show up to school, so I was like, oh, she must be in trouble with her mom. I’ll go check on her.
So I walk up to her house and her mom answers with a baby boy in her hands. “Oh, hello. Is that Sally’s son?!! Can I see Sally?” Her mom says sure, and I go inside, but she leads me to the backyard and I see a tombstone. “Here lies Sally 2004-2020.” So I ask her mom in tears, “Oh, did she not make it through the birth?” And her mom replied, “You could say that...”
One morning a dad was sitting and watching TV.
His daughter comes in and says, "Dad! Why is my name Rose?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head." "Cool," Rose said.
The second daughter walked in and said, "Dad! Why is my name Daisy?" He replied, "Oh! It's because when you were a baby, a daisy petal fell on your head." "Awesome," Daisy said.
The third daughter came in and said, "DuUuUDeEeEeDrrrrrrrrr!!!" "SHUT UP, CINDER BLOCK!!!"
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
My stepmom kicked me out of the house because I was raped and got pregnant. I kicked her to death because she had sex and gave birth to my rapist stepbrother.
What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?
Afterbirth.