Labor jokes

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, but sadly, none of them seemed to have worked.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

What's the difference between orphans and cotton?

Cotton gets picked.

Sans: Wow, seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized".

I would tell you a joke about unemployed people, but they don’t really work.

Why did God make men?

Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...

Digging stuff up is too hard.

I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

My mom wanted me to build her a shed for her useless things, then she told me to go live in it.

How many hookers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, cause they'll screw anything.

What's the difference between an onion and a hooker?

I cry when I chop up onions.

Hey, wanna hear a construction joke?

Other person: Yes.

Sorry, I'm still working on it! 😅

What's the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Your job still sucks.

So, this guy and his wife figure out that she has gotten pregnant. The baby is due March 31st. Well, the guy is at work and he gets a call from his wife. She tells him she is going into labor. He rushes to pick her up, and once he is on the road, he starts speeding. Eventually, he hits another car and swerves off the road into a ditch. He wakes up in the hospital, looks around but doesn’t see his wife. He asks the doctor, "Is my wife okay? She was carrying my child." The doctor said the wife is fine and the baby is in good health. 10 seconds later he goes, "APRIL FOOLS! Your wife is dead and your child has brain damage."

I have some jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

What's the difference between an orphan and cotton?

One gets picked.