Being jokes

Friends call me crack miser, whatever I snort. My brain starts to distort! I'll be in court.

What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana?

Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it... at least Jesus didn't get screwed over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.

A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.

So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"

The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"

The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."

Them: You want some Lucky Harms?

Me: What are Lucky Harms?

Them: They're Lucky Charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.

I love murder shows... wish me luck cause I'm kinda hoping to be on one one day.

My dog is pregnant. I'm gonna be a... I don't know?

Ohhh, an owner.

Roses are red, violets are blue, there are kids in my basement, you'll be there soon.

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Why do orphans want to be communist?

So they would have a motherland.

Don't criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. So, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

A high school student and his best friend were rushing to class after his best friend caused them both to be late. His best friend asked, "Would you like to hear a joke?" "Sure," he replied. "What do you and your sister have in common?" "I don't know." "Because of me you're both late for your next period."

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

I remember when I was a kid, I thought the world used to be colorless.

I was kinda right. They used to not let colors in a lot of areas.

A boy went to a costume party with a girl on his back. Someone asked him what he was supposed to be. He answered, "A turtle."

"Then why do you have a girl on your back?" the guy asked again.

The boy answered, "It's Michelle."

How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 because my basement is still dark.

We shouldn't joke about rape, because rape is no laughing matter...

Unless you're being raped by a clown.