Being jokes

It's the season of giving, so I'll be giving up!

My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.

My depression: hey, what's up!

Me: go away.

My depression: well how rude.

Me: 🙄.

My depression: remember that one time......

Me: no, don't even.

My depression: that we.....

Me: nope.

My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.

Me: 😳😶😟.

My depression: 😉 don't worry I'll always be here for you.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "daddy."

Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."

I would tell a scoliosis joke.

But that would be completely out of line.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call daddy.

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

Once I'm done choking you,

You will be too.

The teacher is asking you a question.

Teacher: "If your biggest dream came true, what would you be?"

Me: "Dead."

Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

I thought today was going to be a good day when I woke up this morning. But then I got to the store and they said they were out of rope.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."

This year my friends wanted to dress up as crayons for Halloween. They asked me if I wanted to be a tan crayon. I didn’t want to, but I said yes to be nice. I wish I had said no, because now I look like a dick to everyone else.

A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.

The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.

Why can't orphans be gay?

They have no one to call "Daddy."

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

They said I was depressed, I should make an effort to do what I love.

I had to pay a hooker for twelve hours work.

... I felt nothing, but it was nice, being with someone who felt the same.

Lost my virginity to a down syndrome the other day... only cause I wanted my first time to be special.

Billy: "I'm so used to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long-distance relationship."

Sally: "Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall..."