ANS jokes
I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me while he was dying.
It seemed really important to him that I have it.
What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One of them you'll see in a while, and the other one you'll see later.
Just got an iPhone 12 for my brother, best trade I've ever made.
What do you call an elf that sings? A Wrapper.
What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?
Special Forces incoming!
Me walking in to the office:
Principal: Tell me, what did you do?
Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...
Why doesn’t the US want to play chess with the UK?
The US is already down 2 towers, and the UK has an unkillable queen.
I saw this little girl crying. I asked her where her parents were. She cried more, man, I love working at an orphanage.
Having an abortion will make you so tired... it literally sucks the life out of you.
What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?
Because it wasn’t born yesterday. 🤭
What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche.
What's similar between a blind kid and an orphan?
They both can't see their parents.
My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.
What do you call a suicide bomber in a wheelchair?
An RCXD (remote control explosive).
What's the difference between an emo kid and a leaf? Only the leaf reaches the ground.
A normal kid brings an MP3 to school.
A rich kid brings an MP4 to school.
A quiet kid brings an MP5.
I have the brains of an old man and the heart of a child. If you don't believe me, I can pop my trunk.