ANS jokes

When your boy tries to have a bad day while you're on your period:

Oh, you have a cold? How rude of me. I just laid an egg, and now my body is ripping down the walls of my uterus. But can I get you a tissue?

What do you call an emo that likes pizza? A pizza cutter.

"I'm thinking about killing off the main character in this book I'm writing."

"What type of book is it?"

"An autobiography."

What's the difference between a grape, an apple, and an arm? You don't slice a grape.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

In order to get $355 million for his civil fraud case, Donald Trump desperately needed to fundraise. So, in every Republican Party event, he will serve the Patriotic Trump Dog! It consists of an 80-year-old sausage inside a 10-year-old cream bun, topped with Russian dressing.

Trump does have the best people, doesn't he?

Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."

What is an orphan's favorite event? Homecoming.

I saw a little kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working at an orphanage.

What do you call an orange on a small stick?

Donald Trump.

"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it's from.

What do you call an emo a cappella group?

Self harmony.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

if an emo doesn't get better by Christmas Santas reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year

New Teacher: "I was an orphan as a kid."

Students: "OOF!"

Teacher: "Is anyone missing?"

Students: "Your parents!"

An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

What's an orphan's favorite movie?

"Home Alone."

An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator, not a lift" and "it's chips, not crisps" etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."

Taking an emo kid grocery shopping does have its perks... You get to scan their wrists for discounts!