ANS jokes
An old man takes his grandson fishing in a local pond one day.
After 20 minutes of fishing, the old man fires up a cigar. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Then u can't have a cigar." Another 20 minutes passes, and the old man opens a beer. The young boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" The old man asks, "Son, can your dick touch your asshole?" The young boy says no. "Well, then u can't have a beer."
Another 20 minutes passes and the young boy opens a bag of potato chips.
The old man asks, "Son, can I have some of your chips?" The boy asks, "Well, Grandpa, can your dick touch your asshole?" The old man says, "It sure can." The boy says, "Well good, then go fuck yourself, these are my chips."
Why did Severus Snape cross the road wearing an invisibility cloak?
So no one would know what side he was on.
What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?
I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
If a CEO goes blind, are they just an EO?
What's an Alzheimer's victim's favorite musical group?
The Who?
What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both take it in the back and go “whoot whoot.”
Q. What do they call an ISIS terrorist who owns both a camel and a goat?
A. Bisexual.
Husband: “Honey, what’s the difference between a Ferrari and an erection?”
Wife: “ok... what is it?”
Husband: “I don’t have a Ferrari right now.”
If an emo doesn't get better by Christmas, Santa's reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year.
Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock?
So he could wake up inside.
Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.
“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”
“Why is that?”
“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”
Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”
How do stars die?
Normally, an overdose.
Q: Do you know why God created yeast infections?
A: So women will know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt, too.
Why does an orphan hate the ending of Finding Nemo?
Nemo goes back to his father.
I taped a picture of Bill Cosby to my gun. Now it’s an assault rifle.
What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
One time a blind person grabbed my arm thinking it was something else.
"Oh wow, this is such an interesting book!"
How are you and an orphan similar?
Both of your fathers are invisible.
Being a hooker shouldn't be illegal.
It's like having an Airbnb for your dick.