ANS jokes
What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abortion.
I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
Punch an orphan in the face what they gonna do? Tell there parents
What is an animal that is always at a baseball game?
A bat! 🤣🦇🦇🦇🦇
What does an emo do on Halloween? They hang like a decoration.
Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.
The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.
The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.
Why can't an orphan make a YouTube channel?
'Cause they can't make it family friendly.
Yo mama is so fat, when she took a walk, she made an earthquake!
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
When there’s an earthquake, coffins become underground maracas.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
Tell them to clap until they see their parents.
Q: What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in some laundry.
What do an Olympic silver medalist and a Catholic priest have in common?
A: They both come in a little behind.
Why can't an orphan play baseball?
Because they can't make a home run.
What's an orphan's favorite flower?
Self-raising flour.
What do you call an army of autistic people with guns?
Special forces.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, he sees an angel standing in the center of a room, surrounded by clocks. The man goes over to the angel and says, "What are these clocks for?" The angel looks at him. "These are lie clocks," the angel says, "every time someone lies, it ticks once. Mother Teresa never lied, so hers is at noon, and Honest Abe only lied twice." The man asks, "Where is Bill Clinton's clock?" The angel smiles, then points up at the fan.
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
What is the octopus's favorite shape?
An octagon.
What did Hitler get for his 6th birthday?
A Kewpie burger and an Easy-Bake Oven.