Animal jokes
What do bees make milk from?
Boobees.
What is a dog that is awesome? A smart dog.
Why is a giraffe's neck so long?
Because his head is so high up in the air.
A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.
A gay man offers him a drink.
The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.
"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."
The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.
Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.
They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"
He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."
So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"
Why did the chicken cross to the U.S. from Mexico?
To get to the U.S., but he had to show his papers first.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you want; it won't chase you.
Where did the cow go on his first date? To the moovies.
God creates a wasp :)
God: Okay, so make it reeeeally tiny. Like less than half a fly.
Angel: okay... a bug.
God: now give it's face a sword, but it has a hole so it's basically a mouth.
Angel: weird.. but okay...
God: and give it wings.
Angel: eh, not half bad Go-
God: NOW MAKE IT EAT THE BLOOD OF ALL LIVING ANIMALS AND HUMANS
Angel: *shook* o-okay
God: okay. Now make sure whenever a human is bit it feels the pain of a million suns burning it, making it scratch until it bleeds out.
Angel: . - .
God: and make sure it also transfers diseases through the species. Give 'em a taste 'o that! *evil grin*
Angel: *cries*
Angel: *whispers; I'm so sorry..*
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
What’s another name for a cow?
You... cause you're fat.
Hello! Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken!
What do you call mouse sneakers? Squeakers!
What did the beer can say to the other? "Open me, please!"
What did the coconut say to the other? "Crack!"
Why did the jalapeño cross the road? I got spicy!
Why did the hubcap cross the road? Crack!
Why jazz, Jr. Get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the tornado cross the road? Let’s spin again!
Why did the turkey get to the other side of the creek? Don’t break a leg!
What did the bunny get to the side of the road? Get furry!
lowkey "discharge" is an ugly word. I prefer créme de la meow meow.
What's Superman's weaknesses? Kryptonite and horses.
An Autistic chef made hamburgers out of donkey meat.
He called them: "Asperger's."
What do you call a bird with no wings?
A no flyer.
What kind of dogs do miners like best?
Golden retrievers, haha, get it?
Cats are like onions; when I cut them, I cry.
Why are mice bad singers?
They are very cheesy.