Animal jokes

A pair of souls were floating up to heaven when they passed a pair of eagles.

"Ah, eagles," said the souls. The eagles were too polite to say anything.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.

Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?

So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.

A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."

His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He says, "I was talking to the sheep."

A bicurious man goes to a gay bar.

A gay man offers him a drink.

The bi man explains he doesn't know if he's gay or not.

"That's fine," he says, "let's just have a drink."

The gay man asks him for a dance, and he explains again he isn't sure if he's gay or not.

Eventually, the gay man invites him to go home with him to hang out as friends.

They get to his house, and the gay man says, "Do you fancy having sex?"

He isn't sure, so the gay man explains, "I'll push in slow, and at any point you want to stop, make animal sounds, and if you like it, start singing."

So they get to it, and the gay man pushes in slowly, the bi man bursts out "MOOOOO MOOOOO MOOOOOOVVVEE CCLOSSEEERRRR"

I found a dog outside a store, so I took him home with me.

The dog was standing outside a blind supplies store.

What is the difference between an orphan and a snake?

A snake has a home to go to underground.

"You are stupid. You can’t even ride a baby pony!"

What do you call a cat with a live in doctor?

An anemic, shrivelled cat with desperate attached owners.

Where do cows eat lunch?

In the calfeteria, dumb butt!

Yo mama's so fat, she wrestled a polar bear and won.

So there was this girl and her horse would not stop following her, so she said, "Stop horsing around!"

Get it? "Horse-ing."

What's the difference between a redhead and an orangutan?

Some people adopt orangutans.

Are you having rabbit and duck for dinner?

Yeah.

Why?

Because I got too obsessed with hares.

Stupid cow.

Q: What do you call a cow with only two legs?

A: Lean meat.

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A pitbull in a children's play area.

I left my dog at home once, and when I came home it was a mess. Let's just say I was in a RUFF situation.

We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.

What do you call a pig doing a karate chop?