Animal jokes
Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.
What do you call a pile of cats? A MEOW-tain.
What's the difference between Bird flu and swine flu?
For one you get tweetment, for the other you get oinkment.
Why are orphanages like dogs?
Because they get adopted.
Why was the egg naughty? Because he wanted a good cracking!
What's a penguin's favorite relative?
What is red and green and goes 100 miles per hour?
A frog in a blender.
You smell dirty toenails and pigeon sex.
Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie? It had a violent cat-e-gory.
This is how animals were named.
"Bye Son." *cuts call*. What are we talking about?
"Bison. Perfect."
What is monkey's favorite position? Donkey Kong.
What did the cow call its own life? An udder mistake.
A farmer artificially impregnated a cow. The cow said to another cow, "It's a miracle, I'm pregnant." The other cow said, "That's impossible, it's only us cows in the field, you must be joking." The first cow said, "Nope, I'm serious... no bull!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? Nuts!
Why are eagles 🦅 bald? Because they don’t wear wigs.
It’s not rape if she’s a dead bear and I lost my job at the circus.
One day there was a frantic call at the fire department:
"Help me, help me! There is a cat meowing nearby. It is going to hurt me, it's going to kill me, can you help me, and send the fire squad right away?"
"Take it easy, cats don’t hurt us, just relax and wait until he leaves."
"You don’t understand it is going to bite me, it is going to kill me, it is going to be fatal!"
"Cats aren’t venomous or in any other way dangerous, now who is calling?"
"I’m Indy's parrot you twit! Now help me! Please help, please help!"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
My dog died. I'm so sad.
How do you make a cat go "woof"?
... douse it in gasoline and set it on fire! "woof!"